I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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