apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
