when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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