some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
