I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
