Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
