piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
