I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
be right there i have to get my cape
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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