You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
