Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
