Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
