I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
