You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
