Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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