Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
