Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I use my feet as sexual weapons
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
