idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize