Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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