The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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