A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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