FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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