My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
