he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
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i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
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I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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