She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
