This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
