I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Life is so much better after having sex.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Randomize
