why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
