i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
