If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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