Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
