I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I want a musical about memes.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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