I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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