I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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