I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
