Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
