Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
