So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
