This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
