Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I cockslap morals
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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