fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
