i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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