booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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