At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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