you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I could make wine with my vomit
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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