I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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