Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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