good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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