I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I look better un-naked...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
