Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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