Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
