using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
