I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
