Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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