Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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