the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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