I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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