somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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