At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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