After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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