it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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