You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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