so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
